Negative Is Negative

I just got an email from him saying the test for Pheochromocytomas came back negative.  Which, considering they were testing for a possibly cancerous tumor, should be a positive thing.  But it’s not because at this point the hospital has run out of ways to poke him and are kicking him out.  So now he gets to choose between making an appointment with Johns Hopkins,which could take a while and is a considerable distance away, or waiting until he’s not feeling well again and go the the VA hospital where he will mostly likely be given a cocktail of drugs and sent on his way.   But with the VA he will be in their system at that point and can hopefully use their network to find someone who really can help.

I haven’t called him yet… I’m a little upset and even though he was trying to be positive in his email I know he’s devastated.  It’s horrible to see the man you’ve always found to be dependable and strong be made helpless by an intangible thing like blood pressure.  It makes me sad and it makes me angry.  It also makes me feel helpless… a phone call may provide some support but I’m not there and I can’t hug him or see if he’s lying when he cracks wise and then says “I’m fine, Brandi, really.”  And most selfishly, I’m scared because I can’t lean on him to get through this.

A Little Bit of Everything

Today I attempted to crochet again but I just couldn’t get in to it.  There are a lot of things I want to make but between making too many mistakes (I’m still learning,) getting frustrated because the dogs want to chew on my yarn, being too hot or too cold, not liking my yarn selection and just generally being fickle I never seem to accomplish much.

I don’t like the summer here.  It’s monsoon season, which is very similar to hurricane season in the States but it seems like it has rained almost every day.  Today is the exception, it’s sunny and hot out but I’ve gotten in to a funk and I’m not motivated to leave the house.  Maybe if there were an outdoor swimming pool that didn’t cost $10 for admission because it’s “conveniently” located in a small and pathetic water park, I’d be down for a dip.  I think I just want to be insufferable today.

We’re supposed to be getting furniture from one of L’s officers because he’s going back to the states in a week.  I hope we take it because the stuff that came with the apartment is rock hard, noisy when you move and has some fraying at the edges of the cushions.  I don’t want to pay for it when we go to leave.

I’ve been looking in to going to school online.  My financial aid application was turned down by CTC after way too many weeks of waiting to hear back from them.  I’m applying for MyCAA and am very hesitant to use it at CTC now.  They made me pretty mad.  Not because they turned me down… but because it took them nearly a month to do it.  “We need your paperwork by THIS DATE!   NO LATER!”  I jump out my ass to get it to them before the deadline and they still take their time.  Pfft.  I’m hatin’.  Besides, they don’t offer a Paralegal certification which is what I’m (almost, maybe, kinda) sure I want to pursue.  I’ve been looking in to UMUC but since CTC got my only copy of my high school transcript (why didn’t I order more than one?!) I have to wait to apply until I can order and receive another copy.

My dad has been in the hospital for a week and has probably spent at least two weeks cumulatively in the last four months.  Right now they are testing to see if he has Pheochromocytomas, which is a, typically, benign tumor on the adrenal gland.  The condition itself is very rare, affecting less than 8 per million people each year.  We’re hoping that’s what it is so he can have the surgery and get past this.  If it’s not Pheochromocytomas then he will be forced to make an appointment at either John Hopkins or the Mayo Clinic as the hospital he’s been using has told him they will be unequipped to help him.  I’m worried about how he’s doing and trying to help keep his spirits up from Korea is difficult.  I want to be there but flights are expensive and I don’t want to strap L with the dogs by himself.

L will be home soon and I haven’t done anything around the house today (we will be delving in to that at another time) so I guess I should get off the computer (sad face) and pick up around the house (temper tantrum.)